Time passes so quickly when you’re happy, but that’s over.
I feel worse than I did when I was in HS and I had to run the mile and it was too hot to wear my hat. It was awful. I was already the only person in school allowed to wear a hat. I felt so lonely. I was the only one in the back-that was actually trying-I was trying my best to fit in, and be able to run a full mile, without getting an asthma attack or anxiety attack. I was trying my best to run. I felt so terrible. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to accomplish something. But it felt like, even if I worked for it, I would never get it. I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere. And all I wanted was for someone to cheer me on instead of blow the whistle and yell for me to faster. Move faster. Do everything faster. Don’t take the time to work up to it. And then when I fail. They give up on me. Always.
Then at high school they tried to tell me that I shouldn’t just have a 504, I should also have an IEP. It means-even though I’m not mentally retarded-I am supposed to go to classes that are separate from all “normal people”. And if I’m still in normal classes, I have to go to some lady for at least 45 minutes a week, during class time. So, they are willing to make me miss lessons and not learn everything that everyone else does, and push me farther and farther away from thinking I was normal and that I would be able to make friends. Plus they made me make an anxiety log. That definitely doesn’t help.
But here’s the kicker, no teacher cares how behind you are until you get an IEP. It’s a little too late. I personally know that none of the teachers care, including the guidance counselors. Actually, especially the guidance counselors. One of them, my assigned one, made me sit in front of her, trying to tell my mom she knew me-better than my mom, seriously? That lady is an asshole. She rolled her eyes the whole time she was talking to my mother on the phone in front of me. It felt like she thought I wouldn’t notice.
I finally fit in with a group out of high school. On Sundays, I started to go to the cookouts at the skatepark behind the food lion in West Ashley. Everyone is different there, but everyone gets along.
I went to an event last year, that this girl A gave me and met the guy that sped up time. And this year it started to slow back time. Like, for instance, when some girl called named Michelle, looking for him while he was sitting on the toilet, cause the dumb butt decided since he was constipated that he should take 3 exlax at once. Stupid idea.
I was over there a lot back then, but apparently, he had left out the part where: some other chick called lookin for him, more than I did. And then we started drifting apart. This was only a month or two after he told me he loved me. It hurt so much.
Time feels like it has stopped, or maybe started to go backward-that’s just how slow it feels now.
He even said that when he got a place of his own we would move in together.
He acts like he doesn’t remember that. He doesn’t even remember that he gave me his “lucky” guitar pick the day we saw each other after June 24,2012- the day he told me he loved me.
He says he doesn’t remember a lot. He doesn’t remember anything important from our relationship. I kinda understand now why he doesn’t care anymore.
And its hard to remember all the good stuff, when your siblings butt into your relationship all the time. But, the excuses that he started giving, they were terrible. I could tell he was lying the second time he used the excuse “I can’t hang out today, because my mom’s here. It’s her birthday.” That’s not a very good excuse to use 4 times a year to the same person. Especially telling that to the girl you supposedly loved in June.
But it’s just like it felt like in high school. Now I don’t fit in. No one understands. I thought he understood. He at least tried, but he stopped trying a while ago.