It wasn’t the sex to me at all.

It wasn’t the sex. I mean it was good, but if we hadn’t had sex, I would still be there.

There’s this book called,  ***  “Love you forever”  ***  that my mom would read to me before I went to sleep every night when I was little. [insert name here] told me once that his mom did, too. I still have the copy of the book my mom used to read to me. [insert name here] is the one that changed the books meaning to me after a while. It was the book I started to read when I couldn’t sleep at night-I was too upset and worried that something had happen to him. I just wanted him to hold me until I feel asleep, but he was starting to call me less and less. I just wanted him to treat me like he used to. Stroke my hair like he used to-even when I didn’t have very much hair left on my head; rub this one spot on the back of my neck, back and forth until I felt safe and my eyelids would get heavy and I’d fall asleep on his warm chest. I can’t comfortably reach the part of my neck.

I sometimes put my knees to my chest and rock back and forth in bed, remembering all the good times and just wanting to be sometime bad when everything was happier.

I remember once when we were swimming in the lake that stretches around my street. He wore his blue shorts and I wore a bathing suit. It was just a one piece, but he was the first to not care. We swam down towards the end of my street. There was a drop off and I stepped towards it and suddenly I was under water, but [insert name here] scooped me up out of the water and told me to get on his back. He got me back to the shallower area and then held me in his arms. It was funny, because he’s shorter than me-only by about a centimeter or so-but yea.

I’m not writing this because I think he’ll come back to me-I’m writing this because it reminds me that we were happy, that we loved each other. And, I guess, that I mattered.

Back when I was writing the third paragraph in this post, I couldn’t finish my thought, because my eyes were foggy from tears and I couldn’t see the page. I stopped and thought of a good memory and wrote it down. I want to be able to have something written to refer to if I’m having one of those nights-like tonight-where I can’t sleep.


{  ***   “Love you Forever” is written by Robert Munsch. It’s illustrated by Sheila McGraw  ***  }


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