Chapter One (Coming into Focus)

It all happened so fast. His breath was at my neck as he lifted himself to undo the last thing he had on him-his pants. Once undone, he shoved his large cock into my small sex and lingered there for a moment while his fingers massaged my clit. He began to move as quickly as possible, grunting and moaning as he went.

Usually I enjoyed this. This was normal in my eyes, but in my heart there was nothing for this man. I figured my heart was black by now. It didn’t feel the same as it used to.

He plunged in again and this time he let loose inside me. He collapsed on top of me. I felt disgusted by him and myself. I didn’t really know this man. We had never had a real conversation. He had taken me on a date.

Usually after sex, I would feel powerful-I would feel better after a long day and this pleasure was normally all I needed-but this time was different. I didn’t feel better, I felt worse. I felt like my world was crashing down on me and I felt like the thing I tried to avoid all my life-a slut. I was officially a slut in my own eyes. I was one of those gross people.

This had to change. I couldn’t continue on with this. I pushed him off me and grabbed my clothes while shielding myself with the sheet. I yelled at him to leave. I would never do this again, if my life depended on it.


Once the man left, I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried. After a few minutes, I opened my eyes to my purple and gray room. My painted, gray dresser still sat in the same place it had since I moved into the drab apartment. On it sat a pack of condoms and a lamp. I screamed in fury.

Getting up off my bed, I ran to my dresser and grabbed the condoms. I, then, opened the window next to my dresser and used my good arm to throw them out the window. I felt like I never wanted to see another one again for as long as I lived.

I sat down hard on the floor next to my dresser-in front of my window-and thought. I sat there thinking for a long time, until I realized I was in need of a big change in my life. I was not going to have sex with random men ever again. I will wait for my one. I won’t choose any guy off the street that I’m attracted to, he has to come to me.

I got up and took off my clothes to take a shower and wash off the stench of the nasty man that had left about 30 minutes ago. Walking into the bathroom, I saw another pack of condoms and threw it into the trash can. I took the bag out of the trash can and went to the kitchen to put it in the big waste basket.

Heading back to the bathroom, I thought about my day and how it wasn’t this bad until I decided to fuck some random dude. Man, was the stupid.

Getting into the shower, I turned the water to cold and washed myself over and over until I lost the scent of that awful man. Then, I washed myself three more times.

Once I climbed out of the shower, I still felt dirty, but I knew I was cleaner than I had been in a while. I walked into the kitchen and poured some water in the kettle, then headed to the bathroom to blow-dry my hair. I heard the kettle whistle in its loud way, so I stopped the hair dryer when my hair was pretty much dry and stomped into the kitchen.

I poured this water into on of the mugs I had already put a tea bag in and let it soak while I went to get dressed. I didn’t feel the need to use my toothbrush, because with these men-that I’m never going to “use” again- they don’t kiss you. It’s like a secret and unwritten rule that you don’t kiss the guys you’re just going to fuck once because you could get attached.

I grabbed a blue-green tank top and some gray sweat pants. After dragging them on, I pulled over my head a white sweatshirt. I ambled into the kitchen and drank my tea black for the first time since 2005.


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